There are a few truths – according to movies, at least. Aliens are allergic to earth, the good guy always gets the girl, and there is good in everyone. But this is real life, not Hollywood.
In reality we'd be wiped out by aliens like Mexicans under a Trump presidency (I don't care what anybody says about him, Donald is a great: he's the perfect foil for cheap jokes that age badly. Just like his hairpiece.)
Future POTUS Trump disproves the good guy gets the girl trope too, with his beautiful former model and athlete wife, and genetically astonishing daughter. How is she half Trump?
But enough Donald-bashing. After all, this is What I saw on the tube today, not Who I couldn't avoid on the internet. So, to our last point: there is good in everyone – is it true?
Last week I saw a lady who gets on my morning train. Well, I see her all the time, obviously – at least a few days a week for the past couple of years – but last week I noticed something about her. She's pregnant and she was wearing a 'Baby on board' badge. But I realised she's been wearing it for the past two years.
Surely she’s not wearing the badge dishonestly, duping her fellow commuters into giving up their seat for her. That would be outrageous, taking advantage of others for her own gain. No, I must be mistaken. Perhaps it was a different badge. Or perhaps she was pregnant, had a baby, and was immediately pregnant again. She’s productive in a 1950s Catholic way.
Yes, that must be it. She’s had a baby, and got pregnant again. She’s not a bad person, there’s good in everyone, it’s the cynic in me that’s the problem. The only thing is… she’s the same size as she’s always been, I’m sure of it. There’s no ballooning, no deflation (clearly I've never had kids) no glowing, no morning sickness (it's a 7am train). Does this mean she's faking it to get a seat?
No, Hollywood wins out this time. Even though statistically improbable and medically worrying, I'll have to give her the benefit of the doubt – she must have given birth, then given in to her husband. She's the world champion chain smoker of childbirth.